Faux News

The last Carolinian issue until August. They do an online version over the summer, so I might be writing for that. Maybe, maybe not. In any case, enjoy this unedited version (it got cut a bit to fit on the page).

Parking Services Releases Next Year's Plan to Screw Students

This week UNCG Parking Services announced its plan for next year's inevitable parking shortage. Parking Services, rather than refusing to sell more permits than there are spots, will continue to find creative ways to get money from students without providing any real service.

A new service offered by UNCG Parking is for only 5 dollars a valet will take your car and drive hopelessly around campus looking for a spot, an activity usually only taken up by students who paid $235 for a parking spot.

UNCG Parking Services also plans to offer a new package system.
Package A - For Faculty and staff, who may park wherever they like, as long as wherever they like is not on campus. Price, $550
Package B - For on-campus residents, who will only be allowed to park in lots marked B. There will only be one lot marked B, which will only be accessible through a long underground maze. The underground maze will be designed to resemble the PC game "Doom", except students are not allowed to bring firearms on campus. Lot B will also be poorly lit and covered with "Beware of Rapists" signs. Price, $670
Package C - Available to any student. Students with package C will be allowed to park anywhere on campus. Price, $40,000 and your soul.
Park and Ride - Students with this plan will be instructed to park at home and ride their bicycles to class. Price, $50

This increase in prices and decrease in the already meager services will allow UNCG Parking to increase spending. The increased spending, of course, will not benefit students in any way. Instead, improvements such as fitting with camouflage the motorized tricycles that campus meter maids drive will be a priority. This will let meter maids harass even the sneakiest of students. Their adult sized "Big Wheels" will also be fitted with small jet engines, allowing UNCG meter maids to ruin almost twice as many students' days as before.

Student Body President Daphne Villanueva has offered no help on the matter of campus parking. When, at a student council meeting, concerns were raised about parking on campus, Villanueva commented that, "I don't give a damn, because I park my damn car at my damn house." She also explained that she "loves the word 'damn'." Villanueva ran unopposed in this year's election, mostly due to stringent candidate requirements. Candidates for President must have a 2.75 GPA, attend 45 SGA meetings in a row, and must leap through the "Circle of Fire" before they are allowed to run.

Last year Parking Services announced that the Freshman lot would be converted to a normal lot, allowing all Freshmen to park in any on-campus lot. Next year, Freshmen will not even be allowed to park on campus, based on the known fact that no Freshman needs to drive anywhere, ever. Parking Services will continue to institute a pointless and unhelpful rule every year, increasing in absurdity until someone gets fired.

Students at UNCG have long complained that the parking garages on campus could easily be opened up to students who have already paid hundreds of dollars for a parking pass. Director of Parking Services Joe Spearce explained, "You gots to be trippin. That's 5 bucks a day son, we be getting' paid up in this bitch. Dollar dollar bills ya'll." Spearce then broke into the chorus of Puff Daddy's "It's all about the Benjamins", waving his large gold necklace in student's faces.

"But in all seriousness," Spearce continued "We plan to do everything possible to improve the parking at UNCG." Spearce then got into his Mercedes and backed out of his personal parking space, as he blasted 50 Cent's "Gotta get dat money from the already broke college students" remix.

Last one till August, unless I get really bored during the summer.

Parking Services Releases Next Year's Plan to Screw Students

This week UNCG Parking Services announced its plan for next year's inevitable parking shortage. Parking Services, rather than refusing to sell more permits than there are spots, will continue to find creative ways to get money from students without providing any real service.

A new service offered by UNCG Parking is for only 5 dollars a valet will take your car and drive hopelessly around campus looking for a spot, an activity usually only taken up by students who paid $235 for a parking spot.

UNCG Parking Services also plans to offer a new package system.
Package A - For Faculty and staff, who may park wherever they like, as long as wherever they like is not on campus. Price, $550
Package B - For on-campus residents, who will only be allowed to park in lots marked B. There will only be one lot marked B, which will only be accessible through a long underground maze. The underground maze will be designed to resemble the PC game "Doom", except students are not allowed to bring firearms on campus. Lot B will also be poorly lit and covered with "Beware of Rapists" signs. Price, $670
Package C - Available to any student. Students with package C will be allowed to park anywhere on campus. Price, $40,000 and your soul.
Park and Ride - Students with this plan will be instructed to park at home and ride their bicycles to class. Price, $50

This increase in prices and decrease in the already meager services will allow UNCG Parking to increase spending. The increased spending, of course, will not benefit students in any way. Instead, improvements such as fitting with camouflage the motorized tricycles that campus meter maids drive will be a priority. This will let meter maids harass even the sneakiest of students. Their adult sized "Big Wheels" will also be fitted with small jet engines, allowing UNCG meter maids to ruin almost twice as many students' days as before.

Student Body President Daphne Villanueva has offered no help on the matter of campus parking. When, at a student council meeting, concerns were raised about parking on campus, Villanueva commented that, "I don't give a damn, because I park my damn car at my damn house." She also explained that she "loves the word 'damn'." Villanueva ran unopposed in this year's election, mostly due to stringent candidate requirements. Candidates for President must have a 2.75 GPA, attend 45 SGA meetings in a row, and must leap through the "Circle of Fire" before they are allowed to run.

Last year Parking Services announced that the Freshman lot would be converted to a normal lot, allowing all Freshmen to park in any on-campus lot. Next year, Freshmen will not even be allowed to park on campus, based on the known fact that no Freshman needs to drive anywhere, ever. Parking Services will continue to institute a pointless and unhelpful rule every year, increasing in absurdity until someone gets fired.

Students at UNCG have long complained that the parking garages on campus could easily be opened up to students who have already paid hundreds of dollars for a parking pass. Director of Parking Services Joe Spearce explained, "You gots to be trippin. That's 5 bucks a day son, we be getting' paid up in this bitch. Dollar dollar bills ya'll." Spearce then broke into the chorus of Puff Daddy's "It's all about the Benjamins", waving his large gold necklace in student's faces.

"But in all seriousness," Spearce continued "We plan to do everything possible to improve the parking at UNCG." Spearce then got into his Mercedes and backed out of his personal parking space, as he blasted 50 Cent's "Gotta get dat money from the already broke college students" remix.

Earth Recovering from Earth Day Celebration

This Monday, the EPA released a report stating that the Earth's environment is still recovering from the devastating effects of Earth Day celebrations.
Earth Day is a day where environmentalists, outdoorsmen, and other hippies join together to worship the Earth Spirit. The Earth Spirit, according to hippies, is the holy essence of goodness and the creator of all life. This year, the Earth Spirit was played by a guy named Bob in a rubber costume.
Earth Day is a nationally recognized holiday taking place on April 22nd. Celebrations at UNCG took place on April 20th (4-20), presumably because there wasn't enough marijuana in Greensboro to celebrate both days separately.
In fact, many marijuana fields in North Carolina have been completely stripped by the Earth Day festivities. Some of the hardest hit spots were the Cherokee reservations in Western North Carolina. Chief Squatting Pig was reached for comment, saying "Look, if you're not going to place a bet then you have to leave, casino rules." Chief Squatting Pig works at the Golden Tee Pee Casino, which features The Trail of Cheers Bar and Grill.
The strip farming of marijuana has left barren fields, worrying locals that they could be vulnerable to a drought. Initial reports show that a water shortage is unlikely, however, because after seeing the fields all Indians present shed a single tear, flooding the fields. All Indians that shed two or more tears were kicked out of their reservation, for shedding a single tear is the Indian way.
Another damaging effect of Earth Day was the amount of paper consumed. Between flyers handed out by environmentalists and advertisements for Earth Day, an estimated 30 zillion tons of paper have been used at UNCG alone. That comes to almost umpteen jillion forests completely destroyed because of Earth Day.
Possibly the most confusing tradition associated with Earth Day is the barbecue. People barbecue on Earth Day because of the common misconception that burning coal helps the atmosphere, when actually the opposite is true. Freezing coal helps the atmosphere, not burning it. Other scientific misconceptions have led to strange Earth Day celebrations in the past, such as roasting hot dogs over burning tires and bathing in gasoline.
During the Earth Day celebration a concert was held on the Atrium lawn. Since the equipment needed to put on a concert uses large amounts of electricity and basically does the exact opposite of what the celebration was meant for, the Office of Waste Reduction and Recycling invented a motor that runs off of hopes and dreams.
A Gallup poll prior to Earth Day showed that most Americans think that President Bush is doing a poor job on the environment. John Gallup, who was incorrectly identified as the President of The Gallup Organization by CBS News, explained. "I didn't poll anyone. Stop calling my house." CBS later revoked their statement and apologized. Anchorman Bob Schieffer is expected to resign sometime next month.
Faux News conducted a poll of UNCG, showing that 64% of students agree that Earth Day is a dumb idea. Faux News has also discovered that 75% of students don't recycle, 84% of students litter, and that 100% of people believe everything they read.

Background on this one, the College Republicans president is a girl named Melissa Westmoreland. Also, the College Democrats have a rather nonexistent presence on campus.

College Republicans Kick Off Hate Week

This week the College Republicans are celebrating their "Morals Week", a week where the group reminds UNCG students that Republicans are the only people with morals. In addition to the group's normal activities of hating and condemning, this week they will also be lecturing. Their "Morals Week", or "Hate Week", as every student outside the group understands it, started on Monday and concentrates on a different issue each day.
Monday started "Hate Week" off with "Equality Day", a day the College Republicans used to promote racial harmony. They did this by opposing affirmative action. CR Vice President, Angry McHatesalot, explained, "It is our fervent belief that ignoring racial inequalities will make them go away. It is an absolutely absurd to think that efforts to correct social injustice will correct social injustice. This is an injustice!" McHatesalot then stormed back into the CR Hate Tent to oversee festivities.
Last year the CR held an affirmative action bake sale, which in itself brought some bad publicity. However, when the group attempted to sell "Auschsnips", tiny cookies burnt to a crisp, their booth was raided by the International Socialists club. This year the group has pledged not to cause a disturbance or to do anything simply to upset people. At 7:00 tonight they have invited the Neo-Black society to a watermelon eating contest, and their "Al Sharpton." dunking booth will be open all day.
This Tuesday will be "Support the Troops" day, where the CR will simultaneously support bringing the troops home and sending them to war. The CR are also inviting military recruiters to UNCG, because college campuses are known for high enlistment numbers. A paintball game between the CR and PRIDE was cancelled when the PRIDE team refused to institute a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
Wednesday's theme will be Pro-Life. The CR will be displaying models of aborted fetuses, to show that abortion doesn't always simply destroy clusters of cells. If they cannot find models of aborted fetuses, they plan to use Barbie dolls. College Republican president, Ulissa Eastlesswater, defended the choice to display model fetuses, "We feel we need the aesthetic appeal in our argument, because it can't hold itself up on its own merits. Plus fetuses look so cute. They're like puppies, but sacred."
A solemn tone will be set Thursday, when the CR plan to hold a religious service in the EUC. Administration members voiced concerns over last years religious events, where the CR erected a giant cross which then "accidentally" caught fire. This year, however, the CR have promised to do their best not to start any race riots, so they were allowed to proceed.
"Hate Week" will close out with a P.E.T.A. barbecue (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals). Rather than serving veggie burgers, the CR will be roasting whole cows over huge bonfires in front of the Atrium. Also, instead of serving the meat on buns, the CR will be launching it at student by means of slingshots and water balloon launchers. Ketchup and mustard will be distributed with Super Soakers.
The College Democrats were looked to for comment on CR's "Hate Week", but they could not be found, because they don't exist.

My editor followed the story with "Faux News is a weekly satirical take on events on campus and in society. If you take it seriously, the joke's on you.", presumably so the Carolinian office didn't get firebombed. However, I still get this comment on my article on the Carolinian website.

"You can't just make fun of something and then be like 'I'm joking' did you joke about pride week? maybe you are a cocksucker, literally, and didn't have time. now thats funny, and if you are offended by it, the jokes on you."

Needless to say, I'm still laughing about that one.

UPDATE: Apparently the Carolinian can't print the part about the bloody ass, so that's going to be changed to "covered in whip cream". Also Pluto is being changed to Donald Duck, because apparently it's beastiality. Oops. So that's now the "uncensored version". You saw it here first, and only.

Mickey Mouse came to UNCG this week, my editor pitched me the idea to write about Mickey's "true" past.

This one will be call THE MICKEY WE NEVER KNEW or MICKEY MOUSE: THE DIRT BEHIND THE EARS. Whichever he picks.

Students passing through the atrium last week might have noticed a large rodent, even larger than that squirrel that mutated after eating the fish served in the Caf. Mickey Mouse paid a visit to UNCG as part of a Disney recruitment program. Mr. Mouse also visited a local elementary school to recruit actors for the "It's a Small World After All" ride. Mickey explained that child labor laws were being bent to compensate for a "midget shortage", later claiming that no was pun intended.
Mickey Mouse's show business career had humble beginnings in 1928. "I remember when Walt cast me in 'Steamboat Willie'." Mickey said "Times were tough. Minnie was turning tricks to pay the rent, I was running numbers for the Mob. That was my first honest money since we came over from Russia."
Unfortunately, Mickey's criminal tendencies didn't end there. As is required with any Hollywood contract, Mickey developed a cocaine addiction. "I was a snorting machine. I would do six, seven, sometimes twelve grams a day. I would snort anything I got my hands on. One time I snorted an entire box of Kleenexes. Still don't know why. Just to do it I guess."
Mickey's drug addiction began to create problems with his coworkers. "One time me and Pluto got really coked up in my dressing room. The next thing I know, we're waking up completely nude and his ass is bleeding." Pluto refused to work with Mickey for the next six years.
Mickey attempted directing his own movie with "Fantasia". Rather than writing a script, Mickey simply gave the crew enough acid to drown a fish. He and the crew then spent the next 3 days making what film scholars call "the biggest stoner picture of all time." Goofy was scheduled to appear in the film, but he was chased off set by flying snakes, or so he claimed. Goofy was later found attempting to direct traffic on I-40 using his socks and a bullhorn.
The "Mouseketeers" TV show helped propelled Mickey's career back into mainstream. However, Mickey was officially removed from the TV show after making the comment that he had slept with Britney Spears "before she was famous".
After his removal from "Mouseketeers", Mickey began a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol. He had suspicions that Minnie was cheating on him. One night he came home to find Walt Disney in his living room, so Mickey stabbed Walt six times in the chest. When Minnie was finally able to stop him, she explained that Walt was just dropping in to say "hi".
Following the attempted murder of Walt Disney, Mickey made a short endeavor in a music career. Transitioning from cartoons to rap is a difficult move, but Mickey felt if he could only come up with the right persona then the rest would come easily. Some names he tried included Big Daddy M, MC Mick E., and the Black Eared Killa. Soon after the quick failure of his only single, "Rock the Mouse", Mickey crawled back to Disney and begged for his job back.
During his campus visit, Mickey said that he had a certain dislike for Greensboro. His actual phrasing was "This town smells like fish sticks and poor people. I'd rather spend the night in Baghdad than stay here for another minute." He then called Greensboro "Bumtown, USA", and warned several students that he "got totally screwed on a dime bag off Tate Street".
Mickey left UNCG with a message to a specific group of students, "I'd like to thank the girls of Kappa Delta, for teaching an old mouse some new tricks."

It would help to know that UNCG has some serious construction work going on, and that the administration really has seen fit to connect two buildings literally yards away from each other with a tunnel. It is because of this tunnel construction that I have to go around my ass to get to my elbow each day to get to class. Hopefully the administration won't be too upset. This comes out next Tuesday.

UNCG Construction Extended Indefinitely
Construction workers and blocked off sidewalks are not a new site to UNCG students, UNCG has been under heavy construction for closing in on 200 years. In fact, for each day of the past 3 weeks there have been more construction workers on campus than professors. Even so, many students were shocked to hear Chancellor Pinkleton announce Friday that construction will be extended indefinitely.
Currently, a tunnel is being built to connect the EUC and Jackson Library. Pinkleton announced to the student body Friday, that the university plans to connect not only these two buildings, but to build tunnels in between every building on campus. These plans will relieve student complaints of having to go outside to get to class. Also, in keeping with UNCG's encouragement of minority students, it will increase enrollment of vampires.
Sophomore Jerry Higgins looks forward to the completion of the tunnels, stating, "I'm looking forward to the completion of the tunnels." Grad student Torque Butters says that he appreciates the concern this plan shows for students. "I've personally been hoping for something like this for a long time. I really hate being exposed to the sun and breathing fresh air on a daily basis. Plus, I'm a big fan of large piles of dirt on campus." Butters also voiced his approval of the university placing brick on sections of street often walked on by students, saying that "brick is much softer than asphalt, so it's more comfortable to walk on." Prospective students also showed their appreciation of the administration's plans by deciding to attend other colleges.
The Handicapped Student Association (which represents 0.026% of the student body) has applauded the tunnel currently being built. Bob Spanker, HSA spokesperson, commented on the tunnel's convenience. "This will be a great service to the handicapped students of UNCG. What if a handicapped student has to get from the EUC to the library in under a minute? This is the kind of thinking you'd hope for in a university. Motorized wheelchairs can only go so fast you know."
Though most students understand the need for a tunnel connecting two buildings that are 30 feet apart, some oppose the school's allocation of funds. Considerable objections are being raised by these students, such as why is the money for these tunnels being spent on items of convenience rather than something that could further the education of UNCG students. In his statement Friday, Chancellor Pinkleton replied, "Well, that's obviously not my job."
Many students have hoped for some time that UNCG would start a football team, saying that a football team would pay for itself and eventually make money for the school. While these students are still ignored, other students will be glad to hear that this series of tunnels is not the only financial venture planned for UNCG. In the event that any student should have to go outside, they will be issued a nuclear powered jet pack to carry them around campus. Students will also be given self-propelling hovercraft beds so that they don't even have to wake up to go to class. A controversial proposal for construction is a 70 foot statue of Chancellor Pinkleton holding a real torch that will burn twenty-four hours a day. The torch will be symbolic of UNCG's dedication to its students, and will be fueled by tuition checks and used textbooks.

Author Note: Instead of "Handicap Student Association" I was going to go with "Center for Really Impaired People" (C.R.I.P.). I'd like to keep my job, so I decided against it.

The Carolinian starts printing up again today. Articles will come.

There hasn't been a post in a long time for two reasons.
1. Winter break.
2. Lots of stuff went down and the Carolinian (what happened? don't know, not really worried about it). But apparently whatever happened got lots of people fired.

So the Carolinian will continure having issues on the first Monday of February (no pun intended). The last story (the one right below this) has not been published yet, so it will be in the new issue (slightly revised). That means you guys will have to wait another week for a new story, HOWEVER before then I will (maybe) have a really exciting (for me at least) annoucement. Until then...

Student pops collar too hard, breaks collar bone
This weekend a UNC-Chapel Hill student was hospitalized after a fashion related accident. The injured student was identified as Maximillion Van Feusterson (or by his Frat nickname, Vicky). Reports show that Feusterson was driving onto campus when he realized that his collar was not “popped”. Having recently joined a fraternity, Feusterson did not want to be seen without his “Frat boy attire”. He frantically grabbed for his collar, raising it to the “popped” position so forcefully that he knocked himself unconscious and tore the collar completely off his polo shirt. There was speculation that the tiny jockey was also damaged, but police had no comment. After Feusterson knocked himself out, he crashed into an oncoming car. Feusterson sustained several injuries, the most ironic of which was his broken collarbone, which seemed to have stress fractures from so much “popping”. Feusterson’s suffered mild whiplash when his Croakies (a cord attached to sunglasses to make sure that they do not fall off during sailing or other campus actitivies) snapped forward, jarring his neck. Also, Feusterson broke his hip when his huge wallet was forced to a sudden halt. Luckily for the driver of the other car, Tyrone “Tupac” Smith, his oversized jacket and long t-shirt, in combination with his “Tims” and doo rag, saved him from any serious injury.
The UNC student complained that his social life has been hurt due to his neck injury because his neck brace keeps him from popping his collar. “The girls just don’t believe I’m rich without the collar up. It’s like they’re not interested in me as a person. I had to actually show a girl a hundred dollar bill before she would go out with me. Actually, I think she kept it. Crap.” said Maximillion.
Some of Max’s frat brothers showed their sympathy. “Yeah man, it sucks about Max. Stupid freshman. He doesn’t even know how to pop his collar right. Check this out. POW! Just like that. It looks starched, but it isn’t.”
Some fraternities go so far as to give classes on proper frat attire and procedures. Some of these classes include “How to Pop your Collar”, “Learn to chug while vomiting”, and “Voting Republican”.
UNC has a history of similar types of accidents. On average, about 30 students a year suffer some sort of injury due to their attire. The most common, of course, are stubbed toes due to wearing “Rainbow” sandals, but more and more these injuries are becoming serious. Just last year Percey Ellis, a member of Kappa Iota Omega Alpha Bravo Chanukah Mu, suffered frost bite after he stubbornly walked to class in sandals during below freezing temperatures. Even UNCG is not immune from these incidents. Just recently a student outside the Stone building popped his collar and was attacked by a seeing-eye dog, who viewed this as a threat. It is not clear whether the student was popping the collar because of preference or cold, but both the dog and owner were put down as a precaution.
Since most insurance policies don’t cover self-inflicted injuries, the students are being strongly urged to only pop their collars if they are rich and can afford costly medical bills. The University so far has had no trouble enforcing, or a real need for, this policy.

UNCG Cheerleaders become lost looking for Football Stadium
(Background information on this: The week before I wrote this a group of A&T students robbed some people at knifepoint.)

Several members of the UNCG cheerleading squad were reported missing last Friday after they had not shown up for practice in several days. Sources close to the missing cheerleaders say that the girls were going to the Spartan Football Stadium which, of course, does not exist. The cause of the mix-up might have been cheerleading coach Laura McKinley, who did not post the location of practice with the day and time. As a result a majority of cheerleaders did not show up for practice. In fact, several girls showed up at McDonald’s, 1 girl locked herself inside a bathroom stall in the McIver building, and 1 cheerleader had to be rescued off the Library roof.

After driving around campus for several hours one of the girls who were reported as missing made a call to University Information. A transcript of the call was made available to the Carolinian.
Operator: Information, how can I help you?
Girl: Yeah, I need directions to the stadium.
Operator: To the what?
Girl: To the football stadium.
Operator: No no, you must have the wrong number. This is UNCG information, we don’t do that here. You probably meant to call A&T or UNC or…
Girl: (Interrupting) UGH! If we don’t have a stadium then where do the cheerleaders perform?
Operator: We have cheerleaders?
Girl: Yeah! There are cheerleading competitions! It’s a sport!
Operator: Well, I guess technically. They also have hot dog eating competitions, what’s your point?
Girl: Whatever. We practice with the marching band, where are they?
Operator: We have a marching band?
Girl: Isn’t this Information? Shouldn’t you know this?
Operator: Well yeah, but it just sounds kinda stu…
Girl: (Interrupting) Nevermind, I’ll find it myself. (Hangs up)

Not having a football team is something many students have complained about for some time. In the past there have been several attempts at building a stadium, but each time technical problems resulted in construction being cancelled. One plan the administration attempted involved demolishing a dorm, but communication broke down and somehow the residents were not informed. Luckily no students were injured when the building was struck with a wrecking ball, but over forty male freshmen were caught masturbating. This concerned University officials, because only 3 rooms were damaged by the ball. An investigation was launched, but nothing suspicious was found other than an unhealthy amount of pornography.

Bob Groggers, the person who was in charge of recruiting for one of the planned teams, explained his view on why UNCG does not have a football team, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but UNCG just doesn’t have the cream crop of football players. We’re not sure why, but Theater Majors just can’t stick their blocks. And one time during a scrimmage game a Dance Major was going for a high catch and he Pliéed instead of Sautéed. The kid spent three weeks in the hospital.”

The missing cheerleaders were found Saturday after they reported being robbed at knifepoint by a group of A&T students. This robbery is one of several committed by A&T students over the past 2 weeks, but police are blaming the A&T administration who, earlier this month, raised tuition and began handing out knives.

Bush "bridges gap" between Church and State
Following his pledge to be “a uniter and not a divider” President Bush announced today that he would “bridge the gap between Church and State.” The President said in his speech “There has been a disturbing trend of division lately in out country, and I’m going to bring the country together. I’m going to make it safe for all Americans, Christians and Born-Again Christians alike, to live their lives the way that I decided God intended. Especially the ones who voted for me. God bless 51% of America.”
As Bush outlined his agenda for the next four years it was apparent that unity was the main theme. He seeks to bring together Church and education, Church and business, pretty much Church and everything. The President explained his move towards theocracy. “I was praying yesterday and God spoke to me. God sounds a lot like Dick Cheney. But God says ‘Hey George, unite the people’, and I’m going to do just that. Not because I promised to, and not because it’s a good idea, but because I can’t think for myself.”
Bush began his administration by forming a bipartisan Cabinet of Republicans and…other Republicans. By surrounding him with people who agree with him they were able to make him believe that what he is doing is good for the country, much like his previous administration.
In the wake of November’s election, President Bush has proposed many controversial laws that sailed through the Republican-controlled Congress. Some of which are restrictions of business on Sunday, mandatory prayer in school for students, teachers and janitors, and a name change from the United States of America to “Jesus’R’Us”. Court battles have gone smoothly for the Bush administration as well. Bush quickly appointed Rev. Bill Graham to the Supreme Court, giving his a conservative edge in the court. In fact it was Graham’s vote in the recent Bock vs. Ohio case that upheld a law that keeps abortion legal, but allows for the planting of mines outside abortion clinics. The opponents of these decisions have mostly been burned at the stake.
This is just one of a recent string of events showing the Christian Right’s recent political invasion. Wisconsin schools voted to include Creationism in public education as an alternative to Evolution. That is to say, they’re attempting to replace science, or “facts”, with religious theory, or “myth”. Also, as widely reported after November’s elections, 11 states adopted laws banning gay marriage. Not so widely reported were the initiatives that did not pass, such as Minnesota’s law concerning gay marriage that would allow a gay couple to marry only if the could last 10 minutes in a steel cage match with the state’s Governor/former Pro Wrestler Jesse Ventura. Texas also proposed a law that would allow gay marriage only if one of the people could survive a gun blast directly to the face. Texas has tried in the past to pass similar laws regarding citizenship for Mexicans and voting registration for women.
Later in today’s press conference the President answered a reporter who asked why the President has been exercising so much power. “You have to understand, I’ve received a mandate from the people. A mandate, that means I can do anything. You can’t beat me. You can’t touch this.” With that the President began humming “U Can’t Touch This” and dancing like MC Hammer, which most of the press corps understood to mean that the interview was over.

Bush cuts health care, Cheney dies of heart attack
Earlier this month President Bush signed a controversial health care bill entitled “I. C.A.R.E. F.O.R. T.H.E.M.”. Unknown to most of the public, and following the government’s pattern of misleading law names, the full title of this bill is “Insurance Companies And Retirement homes Entirely F*ck Over the Rest of The Helpless Elderly Masses.” This bill came just days after being reelected President. Not surprisingly, Bush acted to the contrary of his campaign promises to strengthen Medicare and Medicaid. In fact, this new bill significantly cuts all health care by nearly 100%. Rather than rebuilding Social Security, “I. C.A.R.E. F.O.R. T.H.E.M.” institutes a new program called “The Good Die Young” where those who apply for Social Security are instead immediately drafted into the U.S. Army and shipped to Canada for “cold weather training.”

Many opponents of President Bush’s plan have voiced concern that none of the elderly people sent to Canada ever seen to come back. The President clarified “This is an old Chinese custom that I learned about in China. No, wait, I meant Indian. The ones with the sticks. Anyway, I read, I mean, heh, whoops, I was told, haha, imagine me reading. Like I was saying, these Mexicans have a custom where the old people would realize that their health problems were hurting their leader’s Approval Rating and walk into the mountains and die. Ah, the majestic Indians, may they roam the Earth forever. Just not in Texas.”

When asked why people are being forced into this program, the President replied that he “could barely keep a volunteer Army together, much less a suicide squad.” The President then made a joke about appointing Jack Kevorkian his Chief of Staff and an eerie quiet fell over the crowd. The President stood at the podium looking confused for several moments until a Secret Service agent threw a rock into the bushes and yelled “Look, a Terrorist!” The president then ran screaming back into the White House. “Works every time” said the agent.

In a related and surprising news story, the Vice President Dick Cheney has died this morning of a heart attack. Cheney was one of the few politicians who were actually affected by the health care cut. It was thought that the Vice President was quite wealthy from his employment as CEO of Halliburton, but Cheney recently admitted having blown his millions of dollars in an attempt to try to clone himself at one eighth his real size after seeing the movie “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”

Cheney’s assistant, Ernie Winston, said at a press conference, “When he saw the movie he fell in love with Dr. Evil almost immediately. It just seemed like the natural thing for him to do, seeing as how Mr. Cheney was already so evil to begin with. The only problem we kept having was as soon as the clone would hatch its heart exploded like a parked car in Baghdad. I guess it was a genetic problem.”

The Vice President’s sudden death is most likely associated with his drop to the lowest health care bracket (formerly known as “individuals who make less than $15,300 a year”, under the new plan it is called “Dead Man Walking”). This meant that the only form of medical help he could seek out was an HMO doctor. Under “I. C.A.R.E. F.O.R. T.H.E.M.”, these doctors do not have to attend medical school nor do they even have to wash their hands after using the bathroom. They simply have to speak English and learn how to write autopsy reports. Also, due to his lack of health insurance the Vice President’s pace maker was not only removed to be sold for parts, but was replaced with live badger.

After losing election Bush seizes control of White House
A hard fought reelection campaign ended in defeat for President Bush on November 2. The President, however, decided that his reign was not over. Bush closed off the White House and declared martial law in Washington D.C.. After arming himself with an M-16 and covering himself head to toe in camouflage paint, even parts that were covered by clothes, Bush made an announcement that he was now King Emperor of the West. The West, according to Bush, includes not only North and South America, but parts of Africa and all of China.

This is related to a series of events where Republicans around the country have been acting erratically and many have even been declared clinically insane due to the stress of this election. Just last week Vice President Cheney was caught eating Florida Chads, Tom Delay has been wearing his underwear as a hat, while Republican Dennis Hastert was arrested for attempting to eat a baby. In Hastert’s defense, baby is a delicious dish served in Korea.

Bush secluded himself in the Oval Office for several days before making contact with the outside. He released a series of demands, written with a crayon in child-like handwriting, an excerpt of which follows.

“First of all, I want a one year supply of Dums Dums, and I do mean the name brand. Second, I want bullets for my gun. I used all mine up letting myself out of the bathroom. Third, I need some toilet paper, and let’s put a rush on that. Fifth, or…four…the next thing I demand is to know who dies in the next Harry Potter.”

The President goes on to demand that TBS plays “The Best of Muppet Babies” 24 hours a day, and that France change its name to “Other Germany”. Bush also ordered Canada to completely evacuate while threatening them with nuclear attack. This threat was short lived, however, because after Bush called NORAD General Morgan informed the President that the launch code was not “3 orders of Kung Pao Chicken.”

Authorities began negotiating with the President to ensure a peaceful surrender. These talks were delayed for several days because President Bush labeled the negotiators “terrorists”, and Bush yelled at them “the United States does not negotiate with terrorists.” The President has been referring to himself as “The United States.”

However, FBI has been able to begin talks with the President through using aggressive negotiating tactics (cutting off his cable). Agent Schpleckum released a statement saying that “[A]fter about 15 minutes of no TV the President called police officials begging for them to turn it back on. When asked, the President denied that he had been crying, but several sniffles were heard. Talks will continue.” On reports that President Bush has been seen wearing a Batman costume while running up and down the hallways and eating unhealthy amounts of cheese, Schpleckum had no comment.

While delivering his supplies, police snuck in several bags of pretzels and some packs of Doublemint gum. Police Commissioner Greenwald explained, “Many people think that the President being called stupid is just a joke, but I’ve met with the President, and believe me, that man is damn near retarded. He’s about as dumb as a box of rocks. He literally can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. We figure between the gum and the pretzels, it’s only a matter of time before he knocks himself out.”

Study reveals Students waste food; Poll reveals no one cares
Last week the OWRR held a study showing that students who eat at the Caf wasted 547 pounds of food in one day. Shortly afterwards a poll revealed that though many students have heard the results of the study, nobody cares. Confused at such a statistic anomaly, some students were asked to comment further.

“I don’t really get it. I get some of the food that has already been prepared, the food that if someone doesn’t eat will be thrown out anyway, and I get this food in a portion decided by someone else. If I don’t eat the entire handful of burnt fries, who are you to judge? And this somehow affects people starving on the other side of the world? What are we, stupid?” said Brandon Dolsdof, referring to an OWRR flyer posted in the Caf that reminds students that 12,000 people died of malnutrition in the time it took to “waste” 547 pounds of foods. Many students said the flyer was disingenuous, however, some students disagreed.

“I think it’s a really great idea. They gathered all that food in a big trash bag to show how much students waste and how much could go to starving people in other countries, then they weigh it and throw it away. It really shows they care.” said freshman student Courtney Rose.

Another concern raised by students was that much of the food thrown away was actually inedible. They described the food at the Caf as “crap” and they “wouldn’t eat there if their mother’s life depended on it.” Students also said that “the pizza tastes like they took what you use to make good pizza, threw it away and used crap instead.” This stems from a September study of the meatloaf served in the Caf that revealed it was half sawdust, half cat food, and all awful.

Sociology Professor Donald Roth commented “When you have a study that doesn’t really prove anything, you say it was to ‘raise awareness’. All raising awareness really does is try to make people feel guilty.”

To further investigate these discrepancies the SNBD (Students with Nothing Better to Do, a label that could be used for a lot of groups on campus) followed up with a study of the food that was collected by the OWRR. After retrieving the food from the landfill, they split it into 3 groups, meat, vegetables, and cereal (the smallest group being meat of course, because the Caf wouldn’t serve a decent piece of meat if you paid them and showed them how). They conducted laboratory testing on it, searched the DNA in each bite mark, and asked each person why they threw away their food (because they have that kind of time). Their results are as follows:

47% It tasted like my ass on a hot Sunday morning.
26% The lady with the spoon gave me too much.
15% To piss off the people with the trashcan
11% I didn’t think they could mess up Spaghetti
1% Because the Caf, though it’s a cafeteria, somehow can’t provide enough forks for everyone

Further results from the SNBD study showed that workers participating in an after hours pizza eating competition contributed 50 pounds to the waste. The competition began when Earl Noobley bet fellow worker James Albrite that he could eat 20 slices of pizza faster then Albrite. Reports show that Noobley won after Albrite vomited in a vat of fruit medley. The medley was then somehow served to students who mostly threw it away, although those who ate it said it was much better than the normal medley.

Bush and Kerry both die in plane crash; Nader still loses
President Bush and Presidential Candidate John Kerry perished in a tragic turn of events this Monday, November 1st. It appears that both men’s planes crashed at the same time in an Ohio field. Reports state that the two planes somehow found themselves flying parallel to one another, and that a bit of taunting took place before the crash. Details are unclear at this time, but the recovered black boxes reveal that President Bush took the pilot’s seat of Air Force One, apparently to boast of his time in the Texas Air National Guard, while waving crude gestures at the Kerry plane. Senator Kerry responded by hanging his three purple hearts in the window, showing that unlike Bush, he had actually fought in Vietnam. The recording after that is hard to make out, but one can clearly hear the President yell “Don’t mess with Texas!” and a mispronunciation of “nuclear”.
When asked if Vice President Cheney would be a replacement nominee, Republican Senator Dennis Hastert replied “What are you crazy? He’s like 98 years old, if you told him he won the election his heart would pop like a zit! You have to wake him up with CPR! At least we’re better off than the Democrats. Edwards, what is he, 8 years old? Would you trust your kid to run the country?” An emergency meeting of Republicans came up with a list of candidates that would best serve the Republican agenda (e.g. Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Satan) but a consensus could not be reached.
As a result, many analysts predicted that Ralph Nader, a third party candidate, would take the election. Nader, whose platform is mostly “Free Marijuana for Everyone” and “Defeat Bush by taking away Liberal Votes”, led all other third party candidates in polls. However, Nader is only on the ballot in 33 states. This left many voters with the only viable option of writing in a candidate. As a result, many people who were not running for President were actually awarded electoral votes (Jon Stewart of the Daily Show was awarded New York, Arnold Schwarzenegger won California, Billy the Kid won Texas).
A CNN exit poll asked Joe Eubanks of Kansas why he didn’t vote for Nader, “I used to like Nader, I even read his book. But then after costing Gore the election in 2000 and claiming he wants Bush out he still runs, just seems hypocritical to me. Plus he’s ugly.”
On a positive note for the Nader camp, Ralph did win Florida. Bob Coza, Director of Elections for Miami commented, “The only real turnout after the hurricanes were elderly Jewish people, and I’m pretty much betting that they were going for someone else.”
The person who received the most write-in votes, and our new President, is Bill Clinton.
Tom Delay, House Majority Leader, said in a press conference today, “Yes, I know it’s a violation of the 22nd Amendment, do you have any better ideas? I mean really, do you think I want Clinton in there? Besides, we pretty much got rid of the Constitution with the Patriot Act.”
In an interesting repeat of 2000, President Bush still won the most electoral votes of any candidate. That just goes to show that Republicans really have no idea what’s going on.

Well, here you go.
As of right now, this journal is really just for people who have had trouble trying to access my column on the Carolinian website. I'm going to post them as I have them on my computer (my editor sometimes edits them, go figure). Enjoy!

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